Posted on March 31, 2015


Mr. H shivered in the frigid air. He looked around at the four dull, metallic walls that surrounded him and wondered why they kept it so cold in here. Tucking his icy fingers under his arms, he clenched his jaw to keep his teeth from chattering. Just then he heard a loud clank and focused on the door before him, which barely stood out from the walls. Nothing happened.

“Mister H?”

Mr. H’s eyes darted up to the little black speaker in the corner. “Ye-yess.”

“We apologize for the wait Mister H, but you must know how delicate this process can be.”

Mr. H nodded, as though talking to someone face to face. “Yu-yes, I understand. Ma-may I ask why it’s kept so cold in here?”

“It’s all apart of the process.”

The clipped response left him feeling irritated. He reached into his pants pocket and pulled out a folded yellow piece of paper and opened it. On it were his scores from the Reproduction Efficiency Exam. It read:

Each numbered score is determined from a scale of 0 to 10. Please note that a low score in any category will inevitably affect your General Attractability and Reproduction Efficiency Rating (GARER).

Name: 6.23

Hair Color: 5.1

Eye Color: 5.2

Skin Color: 6.0

Tan: 4.67

Height: 4.99

Smile: 6.7

Personality: 5.5

Confidence: 5.7

Arrogance: 2.4

Voice: 5.4

Gender Specific Qualities

Penis Size: 5.0

Beard: 6.5

General Attractability and Reproduction Efficiency Rating: 5.98

“Mister H?”

The woman’s voice startled Mr. H, and he looked up at the speaker expectantly.

“I’m sorry to report that no woman looking for companionship has deemed you efficiently compatible for them. And as you know, it’s up to women to determine the proper qualities for human expansion onto other worlds.”

Mr. H nodded, feeling lightheaded and sick to his stomach. Being marked Reproductively Inefficient was the ultimate shame. It also meant certain death, as he would be conscripted into the Interplanetary Expedition Corps and used as cannon fodder in the expansion of human-controlled space.

“But the good news is, I can provide you with a volunteer Pleasure Provider who’d be happy to make up for that lack of companionship. It’s a one time, free of charge session, just for showing up today. Will that suffice?”

Mr. H dropped to his knees and buried his face in his hands. He was hopeless.

“Mister H?”

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