Dear Hannah

Posted on May 16, 2017

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I know how you felt. I know the loneliness that you described like the back of my hand; the pain, the emptiness. And it makes me sad that no one was there for you. It makes me sad that so many people in your life had failed you. I like to think that if I had known you, maybe that would have made a difference. I say that because I also know what it’s like to have so many people disappoint you. And maybe, just maybe, I could have shown you how to overcome it; how to get past what you were feeling. Or at least I could have tried, and wouldn’t be feeling so powerless because of your loss.

The way you ended your life is very similar to how I’ve envisioned ending my own, which is another reason why I identify so closely to your experiences. I saw my mortality in you. And it hurt, like everything else you went through. It hurt to think that someone else could experience the sort of mental anguish I have, and not make it. It’s like having the cure for a terrible disease and being unable to administer it. Although ‘cure’ might be a stretch, it’s at least a treatment.

At least, that’s what I like to think.

Maybe I couldn’t have saved you, Hannah. But I just wanted you to know that someone understood.

I’m sorry.

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Posted in: Essays